Fool's Gold

Forgive me for leaving details out of this one. I’m human, and I don’t want to be judged too harshly.

Have you ever been in love with the idea of someone, but actually hate the person that they are? This is something I’ve been grappling with for two years now.

A former flame made their grand attempt to reenter my life at a time when I was vulnerable. This was someone I hadn’t thought about in years. They no longer existed to me, and I didn’t give a fuck about what they were doing and what they were up to. They never crossed my mind, ever.

Until.

Until, they decided to reenter my life via social media. And then I had to do the tedious work of untangling all the feelings I had for them, but never dealt with. I really, really liked this person when I was a teenager into my early twenties. They made me feel cool and sexy and smart. We flirted endlessly, writing little sweet nothings to each other. And it’s easy to remember those parts. The poems, the Skype calls, the lust.

But those nothings were nothing in the grand scheme of things. We never dated. He was never there when I needed him. We never met in person. And we really didn’t know each other. And as the years went by, the more I got to know him, the less I liked. In other words, he gave me the ick.

Being reminded of him is painful because the way he made me feel and the way I feel about him are so conflicting. At one point in my life, I thought he was my second love.

But in retrospect, he was fool’s gold.